SELF HARM RESOURCES

Phrases to Avoid

 

"So, you're trying to kill yourself?"  

Self-harm doesn't necessarily mean they feel suicidal, nor is it a suicide attempt.  Instead of making an assumption, you might ask, "It seems you've been feeling really bad lately.  Have you been having any thoughts about killing yourself?"

 

"Promise me you won't hurt yourself."  

Promises can, occasionally, help someone in the short term, but many people find them unhelpful, and they don’t serve as a long term solution.  For many, these demands are uncomfortable to deny, easy to break, seem pointless, and make them feel like you don't understand how difficult these urges are.  

This is a phrase to use with a lot of caution.

 

"Please don't cut."

While it makes complete sense for you to be upset and worried about them harming themselves, this phrase tends to make them feel more guilty than cared for.  

Instead, you might say:

"I'm really worried about you.  Is there any way I can help?"

"It sounds like quitting self-harm is a really big struggle.  If I can ever help, you know, I'm here for you.  No matter what time it is."

"I'm concerned about you.  Have you thought about trying to stop harming before?" 

There's no need to promise support you can't or don't feel able to give.  Just showing you care can be helpful.

 

"You are so beautiful." or "You're ruining your body." 

Self-harm is indeed a very graphic and visually startling thing, however the intent behind self-harm is rarely about how the body looks, and when it is, it is almost certainly not about trying to make themselves beautiful.  Comments about their body stem more from your shock and struggle to understand than from an effort to help them recover or think in a more positive way.  These comments risk coming off as shallow, showing a lack of understanding about self-harm, and can sometimes make the self-harmer feel guilty or ashamed.  

Instead, you might say:

"Do you know why you hurt yourself?"

"I'm kinda shocked right now, but I am really honored that you told me this.  It's just a lot to take in.  How long have you been struggling with this?"

 

“Hurting yourself won’t fix anything.”  or “Hurting yourself will only make things worse.” or "You don't need to hurt yourself."  

To someone who doesn't self-harm, this might seem completely true, but it's ignoring one key fact: self-harm is a coping mechanism.  That means that self-harm serves a purpose, it is helping them in some way.  While it is true that self-harm is not a long-term solution and it doesn't address or resolve the underlying issues they are struggling with, it does help them in the immediate moment and make things better/easier for some amount of time and to some degree.  Statements like these fail to recognize the fact that self-harm has a purpose and and make it seem like it's done "just for fun" or "just because" or because they're "being stupid" or "ridiculous."

Instead, you might say:

"I'm really concerned about you, and I am not sure I understand it completely yet, but I do get that it is helping you in some way.  I just worry because it doesn't seem like it helps you in the long-term.  Have you tried or considered any other ways of coping, or any professional support?"

 

"You have to get rid of all your [sharps/tools/blades/etc].”

When someone confides in you that they are harming yourself, many people's gut reaction is to want to make them stop.  But, because self-harm is a coping method, and one people use when they don't know any other way to cope, it can be down right terrifying to think of giving it up.  Even for people who are actively trying to recover, having tools and the other items that are part of their self-harm ritual/routine makes them feel safer and less anxious.  Eventually, recovery does include getting rid of tools, but it needs to be done by the self-harmer, and when they are ready.  Forcing them to get rid of tools can often force them to resume lying and hiding their struggles.  Unintentionally, you've created a situation where they can't come to you for support.  They can't tell you the truth anymore or come to you when they are triggered, struggling, have harmed, or need medical help.  

Instead, you might say:

"I'm really worried about you not being safe.  Do you know how to take care of your injuries and what to do if you think you might need medical attention?"

"I know stopping self-harm isn't something you can do over night, so I want you to know I'm here for you if there's any way I can help.  That means if you need medical help too.  If you are worried about an injury or need to go to the doctors - I want you to know I'll help you do that, anytime."

 

"You just need to ___.  Then you won't have to hurt yourself any more."  

Discussing coping skills with someone who harms can be a great way to offer support.  But when you do talk about how they can recover, it's important to remember that recovery isn't a one-size-fits-all package.  A coping skill that worked for you, may not work for them.  For most self-harmers, finding alternative coping skills is a long, hard, complicated process.  Rarely is one coping skill going to fix everything.  Typically, people end up discovering skills that work most of the time, skills that work for certain times/feelings, skills that work for a while and then don't any more, skills that are totally unhelpful, skills that are triggering... and sometimes it takes dozens of skills used in combination or one after another to beat urges, rationalize thoughts, and eventually lessen/end self-harm.  Don't assume you know the "Answer" or "Solution" to their struggles.  

Instead, you might say:

"It seems like you're going through a lot of anxiety.  When I was really anxious last year, I found that running helped a lot.  It might help you.  What other sort of things have you heard of doing to reduce/manage anxiety?"