SELF HARM RESOURCES

Ways you can help

 

It all depends on what kind of a relationship you have, and want, with this person.

If someone tells you they self harm and you are not close to them, they may simply be explaining something, looking for help finding a couselor or psychiatrist, or something else.  Just because they told you they are harming themselves, it doesn't mean you are obligated to become their best friend or main support.  Always, the best thing you can do is be a non-judgemental listener.

 

If you are close to this person (perhaps a friend or family member) and you feel like you would like to be part of their support system, there are some things you can do.  No two people will want or need the same thing from their support system, but listed below are some general ideas of what supporting someone who struggles with self-harm might look like.

 

Be conscious of how you express your feelings and thoughts about their self-harm.

When someone tells you they are hurting themselves, it can bring up all sorts of emotions for you, the listener.  It's common to feel things like: anger, guilt, helplessness, frustration, fear, and confusion.  However, it's best if you can process this in a way that doesn't directly involve the self-harmer.  For instances, you might: 

• Journal

• Talk to a therapist

• Ask the self-harmer if they would be okay with you talking confidentially to another person

• Go for a walk

• Research more about self-harm

• Talk Anonymously online at BlahTherapy or 7CupsofTea

When friends/family try to process these difficult emotions around the self-harmer, it can make the self-harmer feel uncomfortable talking to you about their struggles again, or regret telling you in the first place.  They might feel guilty for making you feel this way, or like they are a burden. If you are hoping to be a supportive friend for them right now, it may be helpful to limit and monitor how often and deeply you discuss these thoughts and feelings with them.  

 

That doesn't mean you can't or shouldn't tell them how it makes you feel to hear they are hurting themselves.  This can be a powerful way to show that you care.  It simply means that you want to be in control of how you express these feelings to them, and that is always easiest if you take the time to process these emotions on your own before you try to articulate your feelings to the self harmer.

 

There are resources that can help you help them AND yourself.  

Helping Teens Who Cut -  Steven Levenkron

When Your Child Is Cutting - Sony Khemlani-Patel PhD,  Merry McVey-Noble PhD &  Fugen Neziroglu PhD

 

 

 

1) Ask them what kind of support they would like from you.  

This is critical!  Sometimes they just aren't ready to stop harming yet.  And that's a really hard place for you to be in, watching a loved one hurt themselves.  BUT, there are still things you can do that don't involve pressuring them to stop harming.  They may not know exactly what kind of support they want from you, so you can offer a few ideas and see if there are any things they are comfortable with.  There's a list of ideas below.

 

2) Do some research on self-harm to make sure you have a solid understanding of what it is, why people do it, what the recovery process is like, healthy coping skills that might help, and other resources they (and you!) might find beneficial.

 

Examples of being a supportive friend/family member:

(This list is not exhaustive, NOR is it a To-Do List.  These actions are all helpful on their own, and no one needs to do all of these things in order be support someone struggling with self harm) 

• When they tell you they struggle with self-harm, thank them for telling you this.  Let them know you understand how hard it must've been to say it, and how honored you are that they trusted you with this.

• If you want to be someone that they can talk to about their self-harm (and you don't have to be.  You can support them in other ways), it may help to ask questions and show your concern a few more times (or more) after the initial conversation.  It can be hard for a self-harmer to bring up the topic again after the first conversation, and if you let the subject drop entirely they may feel your silence means you don't want to talk about it ever again.

• But, if they don't want to talk, let them have their privacy.  Maybe ask again in the future some day, but if they say no a few times, it's helpful to respect their ability to say decline to talk.

• Help them access professional support.  That might mean setting up an appointment, finding a therapist, sitting in the waiting room with them, talking to them about their anxieties about getting support, and/or listening if they need to vent. 

• Offering a hug.  Asking first can be a very good move!

• Offering to keep them company. 

• Gently encouraging healthy coping skills - buying them a journal, a worry-stone, a workbook, or linking them to a website.

• When you talk, focus on listening first and holding back on advice or judgements.  It might be helpful to read up some about active listening and effective communication skills, because self-harm can create unusually delicate and intense conversations. 

• If they want to talk, but face-to-face conversations are hard, consider offering to talk by email, messages, texts, or letters.

• These conversations often make a self-harmer very anxious.  Though it can be uncomfortable or weird for you to talk to someone who doesn't make eye contact, it may help to allow them to not make eye contact with you.  This often makes people more comfortable and open.

• Refrain from asking often about their injuries or if they've harmed or not.  These are questions best left to really close relationships, or for times when you are afraid they may need to quickly seek medical help.

• Find out about things that make them feel unsafe or distressed.  Is it something you can help them reduce their exposure to?  Are there little things about your own behaviors or words that you can change to reduce their triggers or make them feel more comfortable?  There may be things you can do, but many times there are not.  And, if they ask you to do something you are not comfortable doing, always know you can maintain your boundaries and tell them no.

• Is there someone/something that is endagering them currently?  Ask if there is any way you can help them speak up or make changes that make them safer.

• Be open and aware of mental health challenges in general.  Do research and work to reduce your own assumptions or stereotypes about mental health (we all have them!).  The less stigma you reflect about mental health in general, the safer a place you will be for discussions about their mental health.

• Be open yourself.  This is a two way street!  Don't overwhelm them with your own problems, but it may help to discuss casually your own moments of hardship and what sort of things you're doing to take care of yourself.  Modeling healthy coping can help.

 

But above all, take care of yourself.  They are clearly struggling greatly right now, but you still have every right to take good care of yourself.  Set and maintain boundaries.  Take time for yourself.  Express your emotions and look after your own mental health and stress levels.